Open Adoption - Pre-birth Openness

Pre-birth Openness

The days are long past when a birth mother would go to an adoption agency to give up her child, then have that agency take full responsibility in selecting the adoptive family, with the birth mother playing no role. While it is true that decades ago, often only independent adoptions (usually adoptions initiated by an attorney) involved openness, now most adoption agencies have some, or complete, openness as well. Although practices vary state by state, most adoptions start with the birth mother reviewing dozens of photo-resume letters of prospective adoptive parents. Usually, these are adoptive families who have retained that agency or attorney to assist them in the adoption process. Most states permit full openness not just regarding identities, but also personal information about each other. Just as the adoptive parents want to learn about the birth mother's life and health history, so does the birth mother want the same information about the people she is considering as the parents for her child.

When the birth mother has narrowed down her prospective adoptive parents to one, or a few, families, normally they arrange to meet in person. Good adoption agencies and attorneys do this in a pressure-free setting where no one is encouraged to make an immediate decision.) If they are geographically distant from each other (as some adoptions are interstate, with the birth mother living in a different state from the adoptive parents), the first meeting will normally be by phone, then advance to a face-to-face meeting if the meeting by phone went as well as hoped. The goal for both birth and adoptive parents at this stage is to make sure they are looking at the adoption in the same way. Adoption is a lifetime commitment, and just like marriage, both the birth and adoptive parents want to make sure the other is someone they can count on, both short and long term.

Many birth mothers do more than just meet the adoptive parents once before the birth. If they live close enough to each other, it is not uncommon for the birth mother to invite the adoptive mother (or adoptive father too if the birth mother wishes) to come to her doctor appointments. This lets the adoptive parent vicariously live through the birth mother regarding the pregnancy, and lets the birth mother see the adoptive parent's joy and anticipation of soon becoming a parent. The same is true at the hospital, where it is not unusual for the adoptive mother (and the adoptive father, if that is the birth mother's wish) to be a labor coach, and be present for the delivery. Many birth mothers ask the hospital staff to hand the baby to the adoptive parents first, so they can be the first people to hold their child, before she has even done so.