Upper Class Twit of The Year - Scenario

Scenario

To a horse race style commentary by John Cleese, we view an obstacle-course race among five stereotypical, upper-class twits (imbeciles), to determine the 127th Annual Upper-Class Twit of the Year.

The competitors are:

• Vivian Smith-Smythe-Smith (portrayed by Eric Idle in MPFC and John Cleese in ANFSCD)
  • Has an O-level in chemo-hygiene
  • Can count up to 4
• Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris (portrayed by Terry Jones in MPFC and Eric Idle in ANFSCD)
  • Married to a very attractive table lamp
• Nigel Incubator-Jones (portrayed by John Cleese in MPFC and Terry Jones in ANFSCD)
  • Best friend is a tree
  • A Stockbroker in his spare time
• Gervaise Brook-Hampster (portrayed by Michael Palin in both versions)
  • Used as a wastepaper basket by his father
  • Also in the Guards
• Oliver St. John-Mollusc (portrayed by Graham Chapman in both versions)
  • Said to be this year's outstanding twit.
  • His father was a Cabinet Minister, and his mother won the Derby.

At the start, the twits face the wrong way, so the starter turns them round. They then don't run because they don't know they have to move when the gun goes off. The starter explains the idea to the twits, who respond by laughing and pointing at him.

The obstacles are, in order:

• Walking Along The Straight Line
  • The Twits must walk along one of several narrow straight lines a few feet apart.
• The Matchbox Jump
  • The Twits must jump over a fence that is three matchboxes high. In And Now For Something Completely Different, this is changed to two matchboxes. Nigel (Vivian in the film) refuses the fence.
• Kicking The Beggar
  • The Twits must approach a beggar with a tray and kick him until he falls over.
• The Hunt Ball Photograph (MPFC only)
  • The Twits must have their photographs taken and make small talk with a pair of attractive females, Lady Arabella Plunkett and Lady Sarah Pencil Farthing Vivian Streamroller Adams Pie Biscuit Aftershave Gore Stringbottom Smith.
• Reversing Into The Old Lady
  • The Twits must get into their sports cars and reverse them into a cardboard cut-out of an old lady, then speed off. On this obstacle, Oliver St. John-Mollusc proves his outstanding twitness by managing to run himself over, rendering him dead, but not necessarily out of the competition. This leads straight into...
• Waking The Neighbour
  • The Twits must drive their cars forward and then try to wake up a neighbour attempting to get some sleep by slamming their doors, tooting their horns, etc.
• Insulting The Waiter (MPFC only)
  • The Twits must be thoroughly rude to a waiter with a tray.
• The Bar (MPFC only)
  • The Twits must make their way underneath a wooden bar suspended five feet off the ground.
• Shooting The Rabbits
  • Each Twit is given a shotgun; and he must shoot a rabbit that has been tied very firmly to several stakes so it can't move around very much (as the Upper-Class Twit of the Year is only a one-day event). Several of the Twits are forced to bludgeon the rabbit to death with the butt of their gun or a fist. Their failure to hit the rabbits with their shotguns is attributed to the misty conditions (caused by the gunsmoke) and the shooting distance of nearly one foot.
• Taking The Bras Off The Debutantes
  • The Twits must remove a bra from a mannequin representing a debutante while standing in front of it. It is claimed to be the most difficult obstacle by the commentator: many of the Twits even dismember the mannequins in their attempts to remove the bras, and a few still have bras (often with torsos still dangling from them) stuck to their hands as they go on to the final event:
• Shooting Themselves
  • Finally, the Twits approach a table with five revolvers on it. The winner is the first Twit to shoot himself.

The sketch ends with Gervaise Brook-Hampster coming in first, followed by Smith-Smythe-Smith (shot by Nigel) and Nigel Incubator-Jones in a medal ceremony, while Simon Zinc-Trumpet-Harris manages to club himself unconscious with the butt of his gun. The three coffins of the winning Twits are placed on the medal rostrum and medals are draped around them. Cleese ends his commentary by remarking that "there'll certainly be some car door slamming in the streets of Kensington tonight". However in ANFSCD the standings are different with Simon accidentally shooting Vivian into second place then shooting himself into third place and Nigel knocking himself unconscious.