Double Bind - Phrase Examples

Phrase Examples

• Mother telling her child: "You must love me".

The primary injunction here is the command itself: "you must"; the secondary injunction is the unspoken reality that love is spontaneous, that for the child to love the mother genuinely, it can only be of his or her own accord.

• Grown-up-in-authority to child: "Speak when you're spoken to" and "Don't talk back!"

These phrases have such time-honoured status that the contradiction between them is rarely perceived: If the child speaks when spoken to then he cannot avoid answering back. If he does not answer back then he fails to speak when spoken to. Whatever the child does he is always in the wrong.

• Child-abuser to child: "You should have escaped from me earlier, now it's too late—because now, nobody will believe that you didn't want what I have done", while at the same time blocking all of the child's attempts to escape.

Child-abusers often start the double-bind relationship by "grooming" the child, giving little concessions, or gifts or privileges to them, thus the primary injunction is: "You should like what you are getting from me!"

When the child begins to go along (i.e. begins to like what she or he is receiving from the person), then the interaction goes to the next level and small victimization occurs, with the secondary injunction being: "I am punishing you! (for whatever reason the child-abuser is coming up with (e.g. "because you were bad/naughty/messy", or "because you deserve it", or "because you made me do it", etc )).

If child shows any resistance (or tries to escape) from the abuser, then the words: "You should have escaped from me earlier (...)" serve as the third level or tertiary injunction.

Then the loop starts to feed on itself, allowing for ever worse victimization to occur.

• Mother to son: "Leave your sister alone!", while the son knows his sister will approach and antagonize him to get him into trouble.

The primary injunction is the command, which he will be punished for breaking. The secondary injunction is the knowledge that his sister will get into conflict with him, but his mother will not know the difference and will default to punishing him. He may be under the impression that if he argues with his mother, he may be punished. One possibility for the son to escape this double bind is to realize that his sister only antagonizes him to make him feel anxious (if indeed it is the reason behind his sister's behavior).

If he were not bothered about punishment, his sister might not bother him. He could also leave the situation entirely, avoiding both the mother and the sister. The sister can't claim to be bothered by a non-present brother, and the mother can't punish (nor scapegoat) a non-present son. There are other solutions that are realised through creative application of logic and reasoning.